I’m Possible

As I stood at the bottom of the stairs absolutely terrified, looking onto the stage that I was about to walk across in the tiniest (but most beautiful) bikini I’ve ever worn, I had flashbacks of the moments and choices that led me to this one.

I could not have in a million years fathomed the courage it took to go through with it, but that was the whole point. As far back as I can remember I was the girl with the pretty face, the girl who would always rather stay home than be seen in a bathing suit. Someone who was never able to see what other people saw when they looked at me.

At 18, I was discovered while at the bank by a top model agent in Toronto, with dreams of making it big I became so obsessed with my appearance and my weight that I actively damaged my body physically and mentally and was left with an eating disorder. I had taken advantage of the body I had been so blessed with, and pushed away the people who cared about me the most… I was lucky that those very same people, saved me from myself. I was tiny at 5’9 weighing only 108lbs. Without going into further details surrounding that dark time in my life I was fortunate to make it out and began to heal.

In the years that followed, my weight fluctuated a lot! I became an emotional eater and sabotaged myself out of fear that I was not capable of real happiness and the instilled belief that I was never going to be good enough. I tried everything you can think of to get back into shape but it never left me feeling satisfied. I would idolize the women on the fitness magazines as they were promoting health and inspiring people. With all the destructive choices I had made I thought this would be the best way for me to change my life, and hopefully someone else’s too.

It’s hard in today’s world with all the different pressures we face, there is so much emphasis on physical appearance and it too often leaves us all feeling a little discouraged and inadequate. After years of trying to accomplish the goals I had set out for myself, I was heavier than ever. It was as if I didn’t want to succeed because I was so afraid to let myself be vulnerable and uncomfortable. I woke up one day feeling so sad and so unhealthy I made a commitment that no matter what it took I was going to make these dreams a reality. I would do something that for me was so scary it seemed near impossible, but the most important part was that I promised myself to do it in a healthy way, in a kind and loving way, and regardless of the outcome I would not sacrifice the values I had gained from my past experiences.

It took me about 8 months of hard work, making mistakes, wavering determination, early mornings, uncertainty, loneliness, a lot of sweat and some tears to get to that place at the bottom of those stairs and even though I was not nearly as conditioned as the other girls backstage I knew how far I had come and that this was the first step of many in becoming a better version of myself. Someone who is willing to take chances, to fight for her happiness and who feels the fear and will just do it anyways. There was no more settling for mediocrity.

I cannot put into words how terrifying it was walking out in front of all of those people (luckily without falling) while having the most vulnerable feelings I have ever experienced. Though, what was even more powerful was when the fear changed to empowerment. Everyone was cheering for me!?. I was in that moment so proud of myself, and with a renewed spirit and self worth I was forever changed. Shaking uncontrollably, I walked off that stage with my 4th place medal and sobbed the happiest tears I’ve ever had fall from my face. With those tears left so much pain and guilt and fear of failure and complacency because I DID IT. Of course, I could not have been as brave without my supportive family and friends, and my coach Alicia, who really was my rock on the hardest of days.

The show was followed with an overwhelming outpour of support and praise from friends and strangers who told me I was their inspiration and that they wanted to do what I did. As a result, I was even asked to go to high schools and speak to young men and woman about body image and self love, which is the next step on this journey. I truly believe things happen exactly when and how they are supposed to. If I hadn’t had to overcome so many obstacles I would never be so passionate about continuing this journey to inspire people, and to be inspired.

I have learned a valuable lesson, that we are all unique and can turn our story and our pain into the power to create change in each other’s lives, even if it’s small. This is only the beginning for me. I am taking this new found zest for life and inspiration to the next level, and hopefully can continue to touch people’s lives throughout the process. The next challenge is in progress, as am I. In the words of Brené Brown, owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do. I totally understand this now.

Thank you all so much for your kindness and unwavering faith in me. I am living proof that anything is possible, and now that I realize (Im)possible the best is yet to come.

Ash XO

The Wild Card

As I watched the 11^th inning home run that sent the Blue Jays soaring into the playoffs I was hit by a hard wave of emotion. I felt as if I had witnessed a miracle, a team that had persevered for 22 years determined to make it to the playoffs just made it happen, for the second year in a row. This truly was #ourmoment and it reminded me that anything (and maybe everything) is possible when you want it bad enough. We can learn so much about life from sports and this moment was no exception. As a wild card myself I thought, with that same perseverance and determination not only could I make it to the playoffs but I could also win the World Series (hypothetically speaking, of course).

I have always dreamed of becoming a fitness model and competing. I want to work hard and know how it feels to live at my full potential. I am proud to say I am finally putting action behind these words, and although I realize the road ahead will be treacherous at times, I welcome the challenge and most importantly – I am ready. In the words of Les Brown, you don’t get what you want in life. You get who you are and I am going to let this experience not only build my character, but reveal it.

I admit, fitness is that one thing I’ve always obsessed over in both healthy and unhealthy ways. There is nothing on the planet that can make me feel the way I do after a good sweat. If you ask those closest to me, they will support the theory that my mood and actions are in direct relation to my consistency in the gym . Fitness has become that one thing I feel so passionately about that I cannot make it through the day without it consuming my thoughts, and that is too special to be ignored. I have made a commitment to follow my dreams and with a brave heart I will embrace every single second of it.

This moment and what I am going to do with it is something I hope will one day inspire other people. Inspire them to love and trust themselves enough to become the best version of themselves. Inspire them to let go of fear and excuses to reach for what they thought was not attainable, and have what they thought they were never worthy of. Inspire them to value themselves and find strength and motivation in the fact that they too are truly are capable of greatness.

I am overflowing with this inspiration I wish to share because I finally realize – I DO love and trust myself unconditionally, I AM worthy and I WILL achieve greatness. Why? Well, simply because I am me and that is the only person I really want to be. Every peak and valley I have experienced has led me to this exact moment and I am forever grateful for each and every one.

So here I am, setting my intentions and sending them into the universe. I have learned positive affirmations and focusing on what you want is far more effective than focusing on what no longer serves you, and I am so excited to put this mindset to work. This is a very exciting chapter in my life and I hope you will follow my journey as I do my best to knock this one out of the park, in a bikini.

Ash XO

To be continued…

Dear Virginia

Virginia was my father’s mother. She truly was a beautiful woman with a kind soul. I never had the chance to tell her how she changed me and how she continues to inspire me. I have decided it is never too late.

Nana,

I always wished I could have been there to say goodbye. To hold your hand and tell you I loved you. It was something I had a hard time forgiving myself for even though I knew you had already forgiven me. I believe things happen the way they are supposed to. You are given only what you can handle and I just wasn’t ready to see you go, selfishly I needed you… but you had already given me all I needed.

You taught me math. You taught me spelling. You taught me how to tie my shoes and how to make potato pancakes. You took me on trips and to the grocery store. You taught me selflessness and compassion. You lived your life doing everything for other people, always making sure everyone was taken care of and my biggest wish is that you would have put you on that list.

When I think about you these days, with admiration in my heart, I see your strength where I used to see weakness. I see your loyalty and your courage where I used to see fear. You were a great mother, to many more than your own children, and that was your purpose. We are all better for having you touch our lives.

I didn’t have the easiest of childhoods. I actually believe a lot of it was quite damaging, in some ways beyond repair, and that’s okay. I have accepted that we all have our own battles and hardships, it is if (or how) we choose to surrender to those circumstances which truly defines us, reveals our character and ultimately brings us closer to our true self. You were always there for me as a solid consistent foundation. You showed me how to forgive, reminded me that everyone is capable of good, that people deserve love and sometimes just need someone to believe in them in order for them to become the person you know they can be.

I watched you do things to avoid conflict. You were a pleaser. You would say what people needed to hear to feel content and you did it in a way only you could do, never with ill intentions. Your advice was “take care of you first” but you never embodied it. I am certain the things you could have accomplished would have amazed people, but you never took the chance. This is reality for a lot of people. Afraid to change or to ruffle any feathers, they stay in the comfort zone which they have so carefully padded to ensure it feels safe and warm.

Somebody who was fortunate enough to know you recently said to me… “Ashley, you are Virginia.” It brought me to tears. I was so appreciative of such a compliment and then it hit me. He was right. Although we are very different, we are also very much the same. I (like you) am afraid. Afraid to truly become that person you knew I could be. So. My promise to you, is to do those things that scare me, to fight for my happiness, to ruffle the feathers, and not to step, but to dive out of that comfortable safe place that has held me prisoner for so long. My promise to myself, is to never forget all of those lessons you taught me while I do.

I love you and miss you every day, thank you for believing in me.

Ashley xo

The skinny on B12

They say you don’t really know what you’ve got until it’s gone… and in this case, no truer words have been spoken.

What is B12? Well, if you ask Wikipedia (and they are always right) it will tell you  – Vitamin B12, also called cobalamin, is a water-soluble vitamin with a key role in the normal functioning of the brain and nervous system, and for the formation of blood.

Sounds important…

I think I was 14 when I decided I didn’t want to hurt cows anymore, or pigs, or spiders – come to think of it, Charlotte’s Web must be responsible for this. Anyway, I felt I had a moral responsibility, and wanted to save allllll the animals (Except for chickens and turkeys apparently, but that would eventually come a few years later). I was never really interested in dairy. The thought of eating eggs completely freaked me out, and I am probably a very rare breed of human being who genuinely finds cheese and milk repulsive. It seemed like a no brainer – I should become a vegan! It will be so easy. So I did.

What they don’t tell you – it is not hard to become a vegan. I mean, vegans can eat FRENCH FRIES!!! It is, however, not easy to maintain a vegan lifestyle properly. Properly meaning, supplementing for all the vitamins and minerals of which you’re not getting sufficient amounts through a plant based diet. Vegetables were once a (mediocre) source of B12 because it was found naturally in the bacteria that pesticides have now made non-existent. We live in a world of supply and demand, which has a HUGE affect on quality.

As a vegan I gained a whopping 80lbs! Yes, 8-0. Sounds outrageous, and it was. I was not only fat, but also tired, depressed, unmotivated, insecure, anxious – you name it. I will spare you the horrific details of how I got to this place and how I crawled out of it – that is a whole other story.

After numerous blood test and doctors’ appointments, I was diagnosed as Vitamin B12 deficient. I had never really even heard of this vitamin, and considering the symptoms I had were starting to mimic those of MS I was shocked that they didn’t think of this sooner. I started getting B12 shots monthly, and after the first one I felt like new person – Or the way I feel when I buy a new pair of shoes – ALIIIIIIIIVE!!!

B12 Deficiency Symptoms – just to name a few:

Strange sensations, numbness, or tingling in the hands, legs, or feet

Difficulty walking (staggering, balance problems)

Anemia

Anxiety

A swollen, inflamed tongue

Yellowed skin (jaundice)

Difficulty thinking and reasoning (cognitive difficulties), or memory loss

Paranoia or hallucinations

Weakness

Fatigue

…And they only get worse. 

Some great benefits of B12 include:

Increases energy levels. (It makes you less lazy, yes you.)

Helps maintain healthy regulation of the nervous system, reducing depression, stress, and brain shrinkage – I know a lot of people who could benefit from this last part

Helps maintain a healthy digestive system

Protects against heart disease by curbing and improving unhealthy cholesterol levels, protecting against stroke, and high blood pressure

It is amazing for healthy skin, hair, and nails

Helps protect against the C word in many ways – including breast, colon, lung, and prostate cancer

Vitamin B12 is found in most animal derived foods, including fish and shellfish, meat (especially liver – yuck), poultry, eggs, milk, and milk products.

I would highly suggest taking a B12 supplement, even if you eat an adequate amount of these foods  (This is especially important if you are a vegetarian/vegan, smoke, are pregnant, elderly, suffer from anemia or celiac disease).  B12 also aids in maintaining a healthy metabolism – which is awesome.

Lucky for you, you can find this little miracle just about anywhere.

Ash XO

We Don't Know Squat

They say you don’t really know what you’ve got until it’s gone… and in this case, no truer words have been spoken.

What is B12? Well, if you ask Wikipedia (and they are always right) it will tell you  – Vitamin B12, also called cobalamin, is a water-soluble vitamin with a key role in the normal functioning of the brain and nervous system, and for the formation of blood.

Sounds important…

 

I think I was 14 when I decided I didn’t want to hurt cows anymore, or pigs, or spiders – come to think of it, Charlotte’s Web must be responsible for this. Anyway, I felt I had a moral responsibility, and wanted to save allllll the animals (Except for chickens and turkeys apparently, but that would eventually come a few years later). I was never really interested in dairy. The thought of eating eggs completely freaked me out, and I am probably a…

View original post 493 more words

Just Do It

ac·count·a·bil·i·ty
noun: accountability
1. The fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility.

“It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do for which we are accountable.” – Moliere.

I’ve been realizing success does not come to you, you go to it. This is a fairly easy concept to understand… much harder to execute. I have also decided that I need to be held accountable for my actions (and mostly, my inactions).

I don’t know what it is, but I seem to have this perpetual habit of quitting. I am a quitter. All talk. Unrealistic about my goals in comparison to the amount of effort I am actually willing to put in at times. I get on a roll and right before I am about to breakthrough that plateau… I stop. I am not completely defeated, I do reach goals – just very inconsistently.

I think that I thought that I would suddenly find something that motivated me, a muse if you will. I want to inspire people, and to feel inspired! So how do I do it? How do I stop letting myself down? How do I stay on track and not give up on my dreams and goals when things get tough? How do I stay ACCOUNTABLE? First thing’s first… let go. I am an emotional woman. I let things get me down and they literally get the best of me, so this is my first challenge – Let go of the guilt, the bad day I had, my relationships with others, the way I feel when I give up on myself, etc. Just. Let. Go. OK, check.

“The right thing to do and the hard thing to do are usually the same.” ― Steve Maraboli.

There are so many reasons not to do something. It is often too tempting to make excuses and take the easy way out. I know firsthand this “easy way” is not all it’s cracked up to be. Nobody feels good when they’re not in shape or living a healthy lifestyle. I understand it is a journey, and you learn and become stronger along the way. I love the journey, but I am ready to break this pattern and reach that peak. I know it will make all the difference, in every single aspect of my life.

So here are some tips I will be incorporating into my life; some I have used before – and they work for me, and some are new things I’m going to start doing;

• Take measurements:  I do love the scale because for me I know when I am slipping and it’s usually a big wake up call to get me moving. I do know it does the complete opposite for other people. Measurements are a great and effective way to track progress without making you feel badly if you are gaining muscle and the numbers go up.
• Buy new workout wear:  I don’t know about you, but a new pair of Nikes or workout gear always makes me excited for that next run.
• Log your Food: Tracking what you are eating on a daily basis is so important. Most of us don’t realize how much we actually eat. When you have to write it down, you will most likely think twice about those bad choices.
• Visualize your success: I LOVE vision boards. They aren’t for everyone, but I think they are an amazing tool. Make one with all of your favourite pictures, quotes – anything that inspires you, and post it where can see it every morning. Seeing really is believing.
• Enlist a workout buddy: It is always easier with a friend. It’s science.
• Hire a trainer: This can be expensive, but they definitely are worth it if it helps you reach your potential.
• Make time for YOU: Make your workout a priority. Schedule it in your calendar or phone if you have to – It will make the rest of your day much more enjoyable.
• Sign up: Whether it’s a team or a run, etc. Knowing you have to be ready for something makes you more likely to stay active. I enjoy team sports. You can still workout and have fun at the same time!
• Challenge yourself and don’t be too hard on yourself:  Allow yourself to make mistakes without feeling completely defeated, and always just keep moving forward.

Ash XO

We Don't Know Squat

ac·count·a·bil·i·ty                                                                                                                           noun: accountability                                                                                                                                        1. The fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility.

“It is not only what we do, but also what we do not do for which we are accountable.” – Moliere.

I’ve been realizing success does not come to you, you go to it. This is a fairly easy concept to understand… much harder to execute. I have also decided that I need to be held accountable for my actions (and mostly, my inactions).

I don’t know what it is, but I seem to have this perpetual habit of quitting. I am a quitter. All talk. Unrealistic about my goals in comparison to the amount of effort I am actually willing to put in at times. I get on a roll and right before I am about to breakthrough that plateau… I stop. I am not completely defeated, I do reach goals – just very inconsistently.

I think…

View original post 608 more words

Beachbody? Yes Please.

These past few months I have been going through what I would like to refer to as a ‘quarter life crisis’, though the fact is the average life expectancy in Canada is 80 years old, which means this is realistically more of a ‘third life crisis’ and that really stresses me out.

I think we all have our own perception of what 30 was/is going to be for us. I know for me I thought most certainly I would have an important power position at work, married, kids, 2 dogs, white picket fence, I mean I will be OLD!!! Flash forward… I sit here writing this and as I am fortunate enough to have a great job, I am single and live in a tiny condo downtown, by myself. I still feel like I am 21… how did this happen? It feels like yesterday I was being told, `you are so young, live your life’. These days when people ask me how old I am, it is more often than not followed by “Oh wow”. It’s all happening.

That being said, I am embracing this upcoming milestone (that’s what they all say, I know) and I have decided since I have all of this independence and freedom, I am going to challenge myself and get into the BEST shape I can by my birthday – July 17^th. Typically, whenever I say I am going to do something like this, it lasts about 2 weeks and then I have a cheat day, which leads into a cheat month. Not good. This time is going to be different. Consistency is going to be the key to my success. In order to maximize my time, I will have to put my abs and booty in the trusty hands of Shaun T.

This guy does it all, choreographer and fitness expert, he really knows how to motivate you and most importantly – he gets results. I had the great honour and privilege of working out with Shaun here in Toronto last year. It was such an incredible experience. Talk about a man who is genuinely passionate and kind. There were hundreds of people there and he stood for hours after the group workout and took pictures and spoke to each person individually about their experiences. He is a real inspiration to me.

Insanity is a Beachbody program created by Shaun T. It claims to be the hardest workout ever put on tape, and I believe it. Using nothing but your own body weight, you do endless push-ups, squats, jumping jacks, suicides, burpees, you name it… then the warm up is over. WARNING: This program is not for everyone. If you are extremely out of shape or afraid of hard work you might want to try something less intense, this will prevent injury and you will be less likely to get discouraged and quit. “It’s get fit, or get out people”. On days when I am tired, I literally dread it. BUT, it gives you equally as dramatic results. I did this program for the first time about 4 years ago, I was out of shape, lethargic, and had every single excuse in the world as to why. Let me tell you, as that version of myself, Insanity was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and in retrospect one of the greatest. I lost 50 pounds and gained a new appreciation for everything and everyone around me. Amazing things happen when you push your body past its limits and take back control of your life. There is no better feeling, for me at least.

What you can expect from Insanity

They were not exaggerating when they named this program. Each workout is done at a very strenuous pace (if you have any lingering joint issues be extremely careful). Insanity is based on the ‘Max-Interval Training’ principle which is essentially the opposite of traditional HIIT workouts, meaning you work hard for 3 minutes and rest for 30 seconds.

Month 1 – consists of 5 videos that are scheduled differently each week.

If you can make it through these 4 weeks, it is then followed by a week rest phase that consists of 1 video. It is very important to get this much-needed recovery. Trust me.

Month 2 – is really tough, these 4 videos are much more demanding and longer than the first month, but at least now you can now see the light at the end of the tunnel, and the results are motivating and exciting.

An easy to follow schedule and eating plan are also included to ensure you are eating properly to get the most out of all of your hard work. Abs are made in the kitchen!

I am a huge supporter of Insanity and Shaun T. It will not be easy, but if you are up for the challenge I promise it will push you out of your comfort zone and throw you into a pile of your own sweat on the floor. You will get insanely incredible results but you will have to work for them, and hard.

So here I go again. If you think you have what it takes, please join me!

I am currently on Day 4/60. Day 60 being my birthday. I will be posting my progress every 2 weeks (with pictures, at the end). #DIGDEEP everyone!

GET INSANE

Ash XO

We Don't Know Squat

These past few months I have been going through what I would like to refer to as a ‘quarter life crisis’, though the fact is the average life expectancy in Canada is 80 years old, which means this is realistically more of a ‘third life crisis’ and that really stresses me out.

I think we all have our own perception of what 30 was/is going to be for us. I know for me I thought most certainly I would have an important power position at work, married, kids, 2 dogs, white picket fence, I mean I will be OLD!!! Flash forward… I sit here writing this and as I am fortunate enough to have a great job, I am single and live in a tiny condo downtown, by myself. I still feel like I am 21… how did this happen? It feels like yesterday I was being told, `you are so young, live…

View original post 746 more words